


Regret

by Imagine036



Series: Losing Sleep (and other things) [5]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Implied Romance, Longing, mid-season olicity speculation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-04
Updated: 2014-11-04
Packaged: 2018-02-24 01:50:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2563835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imagine036/pseuds/Imagine036
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He stares at the table from where he sits on the cement floor, arms propped on his knees and head leaning back against the wall. The plant is mocking him, drawing his gaze even when he tries to look everywhere else. He has no idea what time it is, and he doesn’t care. All he can feel is the hole that opened up in his chest the second he saw them.</p><p> </p><p>Written over the summer hiatus in response to some of the spoilers (Ray Palmer, Cupid, and the fern, mostly)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Regret

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so I’ve had this running through my head for a bit now about this plant. I never thought I’d see the day where a plant gave me so many emotions… This show is slowly ruining me. Anyways, I’m not totally sure I’m happy with how it turned out, but I’ll let you guys be the judge of that!
> 
> This is intended to be my speculation on where they could leave Olicity come mid-season finale time. Probably not very accurate given subsequent spoilers, but I still WANT this!
> 
> Disclaimer: Arrow still isn't mine...

He stares at the table from where he sits on the cement floor, arms propped on his knees and head leaning back against the wall. The plant is mocking him, drawing his gaze even when he tries to look everywhere else. He has no idea what time it is, and he doesn’t care. All he can feel is the hole that opened up in his chest the second he saw them.

 

***

 

_He can’t stop the hope from bubbling up in his chest at the idea. Approaching this realistically would be best; for all he knows she could slam the door in his face, but he has to try. Barry helped him realize he’s been foolish._

_“She’s at risk whether you’re together or not. Why keep making both of you miserable? Take it from someone who knows: watching the woman you love with another man sucks.”_

_For once, he’s prepared to admit the kid may have a point._

***

 

He squeezes his eyes shut, hoping that will be enough to stop the plant from taunting him, but all it does is conjure up visuals he’d rather not relive. He’s had enough of that for one night.

 

He needs to focus on something else. Anything else.

 

***

 

_She jokingly called her “Cupid” when they first found out about her. He’ll never forget the way her eyes sparkled with mirth at the idea the Arrow had a stalker. The team got some pretty good laughs out of it._

_No one laughed when Felicity didn’t turn up at the foundry five days later._

***

 

He tries to remember that feeling, the full body terror that gripped him when he dialled her phone and didn’t receive an answer, when her tracker proved disabled, when he went out to his bike intent on going to her townhouse to check on her, only to find a pink piece of paper informing him she’d taken the liberty of taking care of his “little blonde problem.”

 

He tries to remember what he felt when she was lying on the med table, mere feet away, covered in blood and soot.

 

He tries to remember why he made the choice to put the brakes on in the first place. She fought him on it, but he was adamant.

 

***

 

_“No, Felicity! You don’t get it!”_

_“Yes, I do! You’re afraid, so you’re running, like you always do, but I don’t accept that. I’m not letting you run away from this.”_

_“I’m not asking your permission. I let my guard down for one night and I almost lost you._ I _don’t accept_ that _. I won’t lose you. I can’t.”_

_“So you’re just giving up? Without even trying?”_

_“This is for the best.”_

_“How? How is this for the best? We_ love _each other. Who exactly does this work out for?”_

_“You. Because you’ll be alive.”_

***

 

Try as he might, he can’t get that conviction back. It seems a distant memory, the Oliver Queen who stood in this very basement and told her to move on with her life. That guy thought a relationship with him would bring her nothing but pain. Turns out she didn’t even need romantic entanglement to become a target.

 

***

 

_They track Cupid to an abandoned warehouse with some difficulty, none of them voicing the thought that Felicity could have done it much faster. He tries to quiet the little voice in his head that tells him Felicity would be making some sarcastic comment about the cliché of an abandoned warehouse without success._

_Digg is back in the field for this one by unspoken agreement. It’s Felicity._

_The three of them storm the warehouse, Digg heading around the back, Roy and Oliver heading through the front. Roy is favouring his left leg from when Cupid took a shot at him a couple of days ago, but he looks just as determined as Oliver and Digg._

_Oliver stops short when he sees Felicity tied to a chair, unconscious._

_***_

That should have been enough to prove to him that he made the right choice. It should have reinforced his conviction in the decision he made months earlier, the one that broke them.

 

***

_“You came! I knew you would. I knew you’d want to see this for yourself.”_

_“Let her go.”_

_“No. No, I can’t do that. As long as_ she’s _around, you’re always going to be a shell of the man I know you can be. She’s holding you back. They all are. You don’t need them.”_

_“This is your last warning.”_

_“Did they… They’ve turned you against me, haven’t they? What did they tell you? Did they tell you I’m a bad influence? I’m not! I killed all those people for_ you _. So you wouldn’t have to! I did it for you, because I love you!”_

_“This is their fault. It’s why they need to be stopped. They’re filling your head with nonsense.”_

_“I never asked you to kill people for me.”_

_“You didn’t have to. I know you. I know it’s what you wanted. Just like I know you’ll thank me for taking care of…_ them _.”_

***

 

There was something about the way Carrie Cutter taunted him, though. It wasn’t about his love for Felicity. That wasn’t why she was taken. Oliver Queen hadn’t endangered her this time. He’d almost lost her because of her connection to the Arrow, and damn Felicity for knowing it.

 

***

 

_His arms wrap tightly around her, not caring for the moment that he should be keeping his distance. The last time they were this close was…_

_He pushes the thought aside, instead focusing on the feel of a very alive Felicity pressed against him. She’s clinging to the leather of his jacket as desperately as he’s clinging to hers. When he pulls back, it’s only enough to allow him to survey every inch of her, running his hands over her hair, cheeks, shoulders, arms, everywhere he can reach. He could have lost her._

_“Did she hurt you?”_

_“No. She just ranted about how the Arrow would be better off with me out of the picture. Said you’d agree with her once you got here. For what it’s worth, I’m glad she was wrong.”_

_“Now is not the time for jokes.”_

_“It’s not the time for all-consuming guilt either, but that’s never stopped you before.”_

_“Oliver, this wasn’t your fault. She wasn’t out to get just me. She was after the whole team. She attacked Roy the other day; we knew we were at risk. My life, my choice.”_

_He really hates those words._

_***_

 

She was right, though. It wasn’t just about her. He almost lost her two weeks ago and it wasn’t because he let his guard down, or because he believed he could have a life outside of the Arrow. It was because he climbed into her car two years ago and let her in on his secret. It was because she’s his partner in this thing they do. He can’t prevent things like that from happening to her.

 

And that’s when Barry Allen and his words of wisdom came flying into his life and he can’t get the kid’s damn optimism out of his head.

 

***

 

_“You know, when she came to visit we talked about you.”_

_“Can we_ focus _, please.”_

_“She told me what happened. For the record, I think you’re being an idiot.”_

_“Really.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Good for you.”_

_“You know, it’s not too late. For you to change your mind. Your feelings haven’t changed; neither have hers. I can see it when you look at each other.”_

_“Barry?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Can we_ focus _please?”_

_***_

 

The damn plant pulls him back in again, taunting him, reminding him of what he can’t have but desperately wants. He gives in and pushes himself to his feet, meandering his way over to it.

 

He should have known better than to let himself get pulled into believing they could… what? Try again? They didn’t even get a chance to really try the first time.

 

His hand reaches out to lightly brush over one of the leaves. Surprisingly, he hasn’t killed it yet. He told her when she brought it down to him that it wouldn’t last a week.

 

***

 

_“Do I look like a gardener to you?”_

_“There’s always time to learn!”_

_“It will be dead within the week.”_

_“No it won’t. I made sure it requires very little maintenance. Seriously, Oliver, this place is a cave. If you insist on living down here, the least you can do is make it a bit more… homey. Plants help.”_

_“Felicity…”_

_“Oliver, just take the damn plant and say thank you.”_

_“Thank you.”_

_***_

Now, Diggle smirks every time he waters it, or adjusts it under the lamp to make sure it’s getting even light. He never outright says anything, but Oliver _knows_ he’s dying to.

 

In a way, this stupid plant has become his only remaining tie to what he and Felicity shared. Things between them aren’t the same anymore, and the plant reminds him of the time when they were at their best. It reminds him that once they were thriving, happy. It reminds him of what he gave up in the name of her safety. Safety that isn’t even guaranteed by his sacrifice.

 

He thought that putting a stop to it would help. He thought it would keep her safer and keep him less invested. That night, he learned that losing her would truly break him. He would never be the same without her if he let himself truly give in to his love for her. So maybe, just maybe, if he put the brakes on and backed away, he could stop it all from happening.

 

He was wrong. So very, very wrong. Cupid could have killed her for being the Arrow’s partner and he was just as afraid that night as he was when the explosion disrupted their date and turned his world sideways. Barry was right, and so was she. Keeping himself from her wasn’t doing anyone any favours.

 

***

 

_After Barry disappears in a flash, Oliver heads back down to the foundry, intent on clearing his mind with a workout. The kid’s words have gotten to him, loathe as he is to admit it. The thought of Felicity with someone else grates on his nerves, and it isn’t even a reality yet._

_Just as he’s about to strip off his shirt, his eyes catch on the plant. In the middle of all this dull concrete, the vibrant green thrives. As reluctant as he was at first, he’s grown to really love that plant. It’s a small piece of warmth in the otherwise sterile basement. A piece of home._

_He blinks, realizing that it isn’t so much the plant that brings out that feeling in him as it is the woman who gifted it to him (or forced it on him). Felicity makes this place feel more like home because she_ is _his home. She’s always been his home, and he’s tired of wandering the streets to avoid it._

_And suddenly he’s in motion, swinging a leg over his bike before his brain can catch up with all the reasons why this is a bad idea. Instead, hope starts bubbling to the surface. Maybe there’s a way this can work._

_***_

 

It’s still amazing to him, how he could feel calm yet anxious simultaneously. He’s been through the gamut of emotions tonight.

 

He sighs, letting his fingers drift to the rim of the pot, running along the edge as his eyes drift closed again in an effort to shut out all the thoughts and memories bombarding him. Of course, it just brings back _that_ image.

 

***

_When he pulls up to curb, he stops to take a few deep breaths, the reality of what he’s about to do settling in. He needs to be sure this time. She won’t let him pull away twice, and he would never do that to her. She deserves better than to be the victim of his internal conflict._

_He waits five minutes, and then ten. After half an hour, he still has no desire to restart the engine and put as many miles between them as possible. What he wants is to go up there, ring her doorbell, and tell her he’s been the biggest idiot these past months. He wants to tell her that he’s sorry and that, if she’ll allow it, he’d like another chance. He wants her._

_Taking a deep, fortifying breath, Oliver dismounts and starts the trek up her walkway. There’s a bit of a bounce in his step that he can’t shake, but he doesn’t mind. About halfway there, something catches his attention through the window._

_A dark, male figure, towering over Felicity’s smaller frame. Even from his slightly obscured view, Oliver recognizes the black hair, the animated hand gestures that are so like Felicity’s. He recognizes the smile on Felicity’s face in reaction to whatever is being said, the way she nods her head in constant and enthusiastic agreement. She looks… happy._

_His heart plummets to his feet when her head tilts back in laughter, her hand reaching out to lay gently on Ray Palmer’s arm as she does._

_***_

Anger coils in his gut at the recollection, and before he can register his actions, his hand is gripping the pot and he’s hurling that damn stupid plant at the wall. When it shatters against the concrete, he feels no better.

 

In fact, he feels worse.

 

***

 

_Swallowing with some difficulty, Oliver forces himself to turn around. It’s too late. He took too long, and he’s missed his chance. She’s moving on. She’s happy._

_Isn’t that what he wanted all along? For her to be happy?_

_Barry was right about this, too. It sucks._

_***_

Sighing, he collects the dust pan and cleans the dirt from the ground, kneeling to inspect the plant when most of the floor is clean. He huffs out a laugh of disbelief. The thing is resilient, he’ll give it that.

 

***

 

He doesn’t sleep at all that night, his brain unwilling to shut down, and goes out early the next morning to buy another pot. Without really thinking about it, he grabs the first one he sees, only realizing after he does that it’s yellow. It reminds him of Felicity, as much as he doesn’t want it to: bright, happy, light. If Felicity were a colour, she’d definitely be yellow.

 

Before he can linger on when exactly he became the kind of man to wax poetic over a woman, he pushes some bills at the cashier and makes his escape. He has to fix this before she makes her appearance at the foundry.

 

When Digg comes in, two hours later, he merely glances at the plant before asking, “New pot?”

 

Oliver nods, swallowing hard. “Yeah, it, uh, said to transplant it when it got bigger.”

 

Digg nods before bending down and retrieving something from under the table. He holds it out, and Oliver sees that it’s a fragment of the shattered pot. He doesn’t look up at his friend as he takes the piece from him, but knows he understands when he feels Diggle’s hand clasp his shoulder for a moment before the other man heads to check the weapons for the day.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so kind of a weird place to leave it, but I’ve had this vision in my head of Oliver going to tell Felicity he wants to try again/fight for her, and for him to see her with Ray before he gets the chance. So, in true Oliver fashion, he goes back to the foundry and stares at the plant like a kicked puppy, then he gets mad and hurls it at the wall, which immediately makes him feel guilty for breaking it and causes him to go get a new pot. And then Digg, being Digg, notices and understands but doesn’t press the issue because, well, he’s Digg, and all he does is just offer some form of silent comfort/understanding. Anyways, that was my really rambly way of saying that the picture I had in my head ended with Digg showing Oliver some form of silent support and that’s why I left it there.
> 
> Also, this series is just rapidly becoming a place to put all my one-shots instead of actually fitting with the theme, but I'm just going to go with it.


End file.
